Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
