Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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