It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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