cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
