This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
