I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
