happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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