HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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