I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
