I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
