I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
