I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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