I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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