I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
