Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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