i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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