dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
