i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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