I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
