Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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