Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You ruined the universe
Randomize
