I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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