Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
