Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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