Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I could make wine with my vomit
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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