So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
