Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
