Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
