someone threw a dead crab at me
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
