Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
