saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
