i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
