Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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