What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
