Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
