I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
