Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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