Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
