I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
