I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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