Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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