i will never coherently bang her
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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