i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
