Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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