Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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