I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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