I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
