I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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