he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
