I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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