I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
