I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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