Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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