do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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