Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
