omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's Friday. Sex?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
