between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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