my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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