Kiss
Puke
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
