hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
