i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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