I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
